Coming out of the aspie closet

One of the many hard things I had to do in my life was tell my friends I had Asperger’s Syndrome. Why? Well I didn’t know what to expect, nor did I know how to tell them. So here are a few ideas to try and help with that.

Firstly, there is just coming out with it, the main problem I have had with this is that not many people know what autism is, and even fewer know what Asperger’s Syndrome is. So it then leaves me with explaining it all. So I tend to ask, “have you heard of autism?” If they have, then I ask them “have you heard of Asperger’s Syndrome?” If they have, then I just say I have that, if they don’t, then I say I have a mild version of autism (yes, I know it is a crude description, but most people aren’t susceptible to a half hour lecture on the differences between autism and Asperger’s). If they don’t know what autism is, then I just say that it means I have trouble reading social cues, faces, find making eye contact hard, etc. (again, I know it is crude)

At the other end, there is just not telling them. I personally don’t think this is a good idea. I think that it can have bad effects in the long run, and if you decide that you want or need to tell them later, then it creates the “Why didn’t you tell me this earlier? Don’t you trust me?” problem. However, I will admit, for some rather closed minded people who you are sure will treat you like you are some sort of freak, then I can see why this would be a suitable option.

The middle ground is telling them that you have some sort of thing related to autism, down-playing it, saying it isn’t much, and see how that goes. When you are confident that their reaction will be positive then you tell them a little more and build up. This method can come as less of a shock, and you often avoid people treating you differently, but it is a bit long winded, and it does make a big deal of it, which may not be desirable.

So, what to expect? The first thing is that some people may treat you differently. When Anna told one of her friends at Cambridge she had Asperger’s syndrome, his reaction was, “I am going to pretend you didn’t say that because I don’t want to treat you differently”. To be honest, I find this insane, getting a diagnosis of autism or Asperger’s does not make you a different person, it just lets you know you have these characteristics at these levels and that tends to be referred to as Asperger’s syndrome. But for some unknown reason, some people react like this.

I remember that when I told one acquaintance I had Asperger’s he reacted by saying that I was making it up, and that I was attention seeking, and that I should get over it and accept that I am normal. This denial of Asperger’s by others can be upsetting, and can also make it harder for you to get used to the idea of having Asperger’s Syndrome. For this reason, I usually advise postponing telling people (bar family and one or two close friends) until you are used to the idea yourself.

Obviously the worst reaction is treating you totally differently. Sometimes it can be good to be treated differently (for example, not expecting you to make eye contact), but unfortunately, more often than not, people have the wrong idea about Asperger’s Syndrome and so you get treated either as mentally retarded or as a savant, when neither is accurate. The only thing I can think of that would work here is trying to re-educate them about Autism and Asperger’s Syndrome, by explaining what it really means in terms of how it affects you – its impact on the way you think and act. Then over time, hopefully their attitudes will change.

Of course, the best way it can go is for them to just accept it and see that you are still you. Although this isn’t as common as would be desirable, it often shows you who your true friends are.

As I say, I tend to opt for the telling them straight out, and if necessary, tell them a bit more about what it is, and that works for me. But it may not work for you. I think part of the reason it works for me is that I appear normal, and so they just assume I may be different in a few minor ways.

Good luck

Joshua Muggleton – closet remover