Beating Hans

As the heat of the May sun brings out my greatest foe (the common wasp), I am reminded of what else the start of summer means. Exams. The scary thing is that with these exams, there are no second chances: if I mess these up, then my dream of going to St Andrews will be gone.

Now I know that the University of Surrey, my second choice, is a good university and that many people would kill to get in there, but you see, I want to break free. I want to break free from my parents, not that I don’t like them, but I now want to try and stand on my own two feet (albeit with several large financial crutches from my parents). If I went to Surrey, then firstly, I would not be living in halls, but even if I was, I would still be very close to my family. I could easily hop on a bus and see them, whereas at St Andrews, I would have to hop on a bus, a train, another bus, a plane, another train, and another bus to get back home. I want to feel like I don’t have a safety net anymore, I want to feel like I am now an adult, that I am now forging my own path, under my own steam.

I guess at the moment, I always have something to fall back on. For example, I have to do laundry but if I’m unable to, someone else will do it for me. But out there, it will all be down to me. I will have to be self sufficient. And although that scares the hell out of me, it also excites me. Being away from my parents, not having anyone to rely on but myself – I guess I want to grow up.

Admittedly, St Andrews will still cook my meals, but that’s it. What is more, I will have my own room, my own ensuite, my own space. It will be up to me to organise myself: at the moment, if I forget something, Dad or someone at Farleigh will remind me, but at St Andrews it will be all on me.

Two things strike me while writing this. Firstly, I will be crushed if I don’t get into St Andrews. Secondly, I must be mad! I am an Aspie and I am saying I want to leave my routine, be organised, basically go out of my comfort zone. It seems that a lot of what I have just said goes against the very nature of Asperger’s. Or does it? I guess wanting to be alone and have your own space fits in well, but on the whole, these are not things you would associate with someone with Asperger’s. It is going to be so scary, and I know I will have a tough time, but I want to do it. I know that there will probably be many tearful conversations on the phone to my family saying that I want to come home, or that I am not good enough. But I feel like if I can get through that, get through all the hard stuff, then I will have finally bested my Aspergers.

Don’t get me wrong, I love my Asperger’s Syndrome, but I feel if I do this, then I will be like me controlling my Asperger’s, and not my Asperger’s controlling me. I know that doesn’t make much sense, as Asperger’s is a part of me, I guess it is more that I want to prove to myself that I can make it on my own, and that being an Aspie doesn’t prevent this. It doesn’t mean I can’t be productive, it doesn’t mean I need to be constantly supported, because I will have done it, I will have survived life 500 miles away from home. And I will have become an adult.

Joshua Muggleton – hoping there aren’t many wasps in St Andrews