Masks – Oh dear

The other week, I reached a rather momentous decision. I have decided to get rid of my mask collection. Let me explain.

To interact with people I tend to put on a mask, I adopt a persona that they find acceptable, to be who they expect me to be, to not tread on any toes. So, when I see someone, I, like everyone, judge what sort of person they are like, and how best to talk to them, but I then take it further and almost pretend to be someone else. Admittedly, that someone is based on my personality, but it is still not “the true me”.

I suppose I do this for two reasons, firstly, because it makes interaction with others easier – I don’t have to accommodate other people, I become someone who doesn’t need to change. Secondly, because it was the only way I could survive. Looking back at my school life, I realised I started to form them around year 5, when I was about 10. I found I could not cope with others insulting me, putting me down, and generally making my life a misery, so I came up with these personas, so that it wouldn’t be me who would be put down, it would be this persona. I know it sounds silly, but truth be told, it was the only way I could survive. So, when I talked to some “friends” I had later on in life, I had to put on a persona for them. Whenever I met anyone new, I devised a brand new mask to fit with them.

Now, I want to get rid of them. Partly because they are so hard to maintain, I have to remember all these masks for so many different people, it gets too tiring, and very stressful when I have to deal with two people who are usually not seen together – I have to mix their individual masks and come up with a super mask that fits both people in that situation. And partly, because I have decided that this year, I want to make a fresh start. I am going somewhere where no one knows me, and so I could create a load more masks, and carry them around with me for the next four years, or I could take a leap now, and not create them in the first place. So then if I get rejected by anyone, they will be rejecting me, and not my mask, if someone hurts me, they will be hurting me, and not the mask, but the scariest thing is, that instead of maybe 10 people knowing the real me, hundreds will, and I am absolutely terrified.

I know it sounds ridiculous, so what if people will know me? My masks are based on my current personality anyway, so it shouldn’t be too much of a change should it? And although I know all this, it makes me feel like I am about to walk down Guildford high street stark naked. I am going to be open with so many people. People say I am really open with people when I talk about what I went through, how I wanted to kill myself, but doing that is so much easier than being myself.

How will I cope with this huge change? I don’t have a clue, all I know is that I have to, because I don’t like the idea of spending the rest of my life hiding behind a mask. This September, I am stepping out into the world, I am starting my adult life, and I refuse to be bound by the mistakes and the troubles I had in my childhood. Still, it doesn’t stop me being terrified! The idea of stepping on people’s toes, the idea of people not getting on with me, I find it so distasteful, and it feels like sucking a lemon wedge. Oh well, I guess this is what life is about.

Joshua Muggleton – toe stepping lemon sucker